In early August 1989 I had dinner with Jesse Raben and his roommate at a Chinese Restaurant. I asked Jesse if he played softball. He said no. He asked me if I played softball. I said, “No, because I throw like this” (I gestured in a manner suggesting a female ball toss). Jesse said, “Because you’re a homosexual? I said, “Yea.”

At the end of the evening, I said to Jesse Raben, “We’re friends, now, right, Jesse? He said, “Always, Gar, always.”

Be that as it may.

In June 1993 I had a dream in which Jesse Raben was assaulted by an unknown assailant and I feared that he would bleed to death.

In my dream analysis I associated to Wagner’s opera, Gotterdammerung, the moment in the third act when Hagen stabs Siegfried and Siegfried falls dead. Hagan justifies his act with the words, “I have avenged perjury.”

In the first act of the opera Siegfried and Gunther had sworn an oath of blood brotherhood, mixing their blood and drinking it, swearing to be true to each other – always. In the third act it appears that Siegfried had not been true to his oath, that he had perjured himself. Hagen exacts vengeance.

In self psychological terms, Jesse Raben was a restitutive selfobject who satisfied my narcissistic needs for mirroring, idealization and twinship (“blood brotherhood”).

Perhaps, the manifest dream image of Jesse Raben being assaulted reflects my feelings of betrayal and narcissistic rage surrounding his “abandoning” me. Jesse Raben did not reciprocate in the enactment of my narcissistic fantasy. See, Kieffer, C. “Restitutive Selfobject Function in the Entitled Victim.” (“These individuals may erupt in narcissistic rage when a sudden and traumatic de-idealization occurs, a state which may be mobilized when the idealized other cannot participate in the enactment of this fantasy.”) Perhaps my coming to Jesse Raben’s rescue after the assault signifies an act of undoing motivated by a sense of guilt growing out of my own aggressive or hostile wishes.

“Always, Gar, always.”  That was the perjury.