The following paper is an excellent discussion of my problems with father idealization and fear of maternal engulfment. But note of caution: D.H. Lawrence was way more gay than me in what he sought in men. I’m not into nude wrestling.  (The German word Blutbrüderschaft means Blood Brotherhood.)

blood brotherhood — dh lawrence — psychoanalysis

The psychoanalytical stuff starts at page 43 of the above paper.